>>371941Overall pretty good. There are still some ESL and spelling issues here and there but your English is improving. I can also see what you were getting at in your previous post, trying to focus on just raw description of what's happening in a scene without a lot of added fluff, and I think you were mostly successful. I don't have any difficulty following what's going on in the scene or visualizing the action. The only notable exception is this:
>Junko could feel herself getting angry despite herself. She had felt for a while now that she'd figured out the optimal emotional state to be in a fight. To her, it was inbetween angry and disintrested, which she refered to as focus. If she wasn't a bit angry, she felt she couldn't bring down her fist of justice upon the evil ghouls but if she only saw red, then she'd make mistakes due to... well not thinking. It just bothered her so that this tiny ghoul felt so confident in her presence. It felt amiss and made her feel uneasy, like she missed something vital. Like she was walking into a trap but that feeling hurt her pride. That someone so small could hurt her. There are two problems here. First is that it's a bit wordy. This feels like you're sliding back into that overly-verbose, confusing descriptive style you said you were trying to move away from. Second is that everything here is basically a description of the character's emotions. This is likely why it ends up getting muddy and overly-descriptive: complex emotional states are difficult to put into words. This is one of those "show, don't tell" situations. Instead of describing what the character is feeling, try to show us how they are feeling through their actions. The basic thrust of this text is that Junko usually tries to maintain her composure during a fight, but Madoka's taunting is getting her riled up and she is starting to make mistakes. So come up with some action that conveys this. Maybe Junko grunts or growls, or she throws a reckless punch and misses, that sort of thing.
Here are some other things I noticed:
>a "come at me bruh" kind of gesture.>went along with the bantzOutside of greentext writing, you really want to avoid casual, shitposty language like this in your narration. The only exception would be if the story is narrated in first person and the narrator uses this kind of language in everyday conversation. It goes back to what I was saying about narrative voice: if a character is narrating, you want the tone of your narration to feel like that person's natural speaking voice. However, if there is no narrator and you're just describing action in the third person, you want the tone to be as neutral and utilitarian as possible. In the case of Madoka's gesture, it would be more helpful to just describe the movement she's actually making, instead of relying on the reader's presumed understanding of a colloquialism.
>she flunged herselfUsually, adding 'ed' to the end of a verb will make it past-tense. However, "flung" is already the past-tense of "fling," so you don't need to add the 'ed'. For some reason, "flinged" is also incorrect, even though it logically ought to work. English is a very stupid language sometimes.
>A small amount of surprise showed itself on Junko's face.This phrasing is awkward. It would be easier to just say "Junko was surprised" or something to that effect. There are degrees of being surprised, but surprise itself can't really be quantified, thus you can't really have a small amount of surprise show itself.
> She kinda just thought the situation was humoursUnless she's a medieval doctor, the situation should be "humorous." Also, it should be "kind of," not "kinda," see my above statement on using casual language in narration.
>She swung it with all her might and it looked like she went from a reverse 'c' to a normal 'c'.I think I basically understand what's happening here, but it's still an awkward way to describe it.
>knocked the air out of her lungesUnless Madoka is doing aerobics, the air should be knocked out of her "lungs."
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>Do you understand what is going on in the scene, except for contextual details like who Madoka is and such?Generally, yes; except for what I pointed out this is well written and easy to follow. The nice thing about action sequences is they don't really require much context. You can drop the reader into a fight scene with absolutely no lead-in whatsoever and they can still follow what's happening, even if they aren't familiar with the characters or don't know why they're fighting.
The only issue I have with this structurally is that it isn't clear how these two scenes connect to each other. I'm not sure if this whole thing is meant to be read as one piece, but based on what's here the two scenes feel disjointed. It reads like this:
>two characters are fighting>we're not sure why>page break>now two completely different characters are fighting>we don't know why these two are fighting eitherTheoretically you could make an entire story like this, where it's just a collection of scenes in which anime girls beat the shit out of each other round-robin style for reasons that are never explained. It might even be kind of fun to read. However, without some overarching narrative connecting it all together, it wouldn't be much of a story.
As an aside, these names sound kind of familiar. From "Madoka" I'm assuming these characters are from Madoka Magica. I saw it a long time ago, but I don't remember who the other characters are or what the show was about exactly. All I remember is that I thought I was sitting down to watch a cutesy magical-girl show, but it turned out to be really surreal and fucked-up. 
Rainbow Dash and 
Mayor Mare. 
Rarity and 
Suri Polomare.
Aryanne and 
Zecora.
